Questions have been submitted by people(vast majority are women) via direct message on my instagram @antonioalacena. Thank You for your questions


Question: Why are Black women(mainly) expected to go through struggle love? Why is it frowned upon when she seeks, or wants someone who already "has it together"?

Thank you for your question. I intend to give as substantive an answer as I can. Most of the questions posed by women concerning the behavior of men as it concerns sex, dating, and relationships, are more complex than many of them seem to understand. And many times, people expect short answers for complex questions. Thats not always possible. I will be as succinct as possible.





My Answer: In order to truly understand a question such as this, we have to understand what has brought us to this moment. 

First. How do you know that it is mainly black women who have this issue as it concerns black women and black men?  Is it that you believe that white women have less of an issue with white men with this expectation? I'm not so sure white women are in a better position than black women with white men. Or Asian women with Asian men. Or Hispanic women with Hispanic men. 

I figure your concern is black women's interaction with Black men, and not the interaction of other "races". However, when you specify black women and men, your concern has to have context. Black men as opposed to what or whom? Whether you mean to or not, there is a suggestion that black men perform in an inferior manner with Black women, as opposed to how other men perform with their women. It can further suggest, that Black men are inferior in this manner opposed to other men. Like, "white men wouldn't or don't do this. So they'd be better mates". Whether you mean it or not, this is the suggestion. And I've seen this thought dynamic play out in our culture and society for many years. Because of some black women's negative experiences with black men, there is a belief that they should try being with men of other races because they would surely be better. As if its the race and not the man. As a black man, I've had just as many negative experiences with black women, as any other black man or black women. I have yet to blame black women as a whole for these experiences. And these experiences have never caused me to desire, because of them, to be with white women or other races.
We experience an intense input of negative images, sound, narratives, and information about black women, and black men. Then, many of us interact with a black man or woman, that seems to confirm the negative output in media, television, radio and movies that we receive. And it seems that we become indoctrinated with the notion that black women, or in the case of black women, black men, are somehow deficient because of being black. Therefore, other races, particularly white men, benefit from this view. And everything in television, radio, media, and movies, confirm how good and great he is. The white man starts his interaction out with the best possible view of him as a man. While the black man starts out with a deficient in how he is thought of and viewed.

Lets define "struggle love". Do you mean that you have known, or have encountered enough times, Black men who don't have "it together". You mean that many Black men aren't financially stable? When you say don't have "it together", you do mean financially right? And that kind of instability leads to breakdowns in how he is able to comfortably interact with you.  He not having himself "together" can mean he either doesn't have suitable living arrangements. Or transportation. He may have a higher likelihood of relying on you to assist him in areas where, if he were financially stable, he wouldn't. If you were to have activities, it would be you who would have to be financially responsible for them, like dates, and outings. Him not having money to at least help pay for things, is an issue. And the expectation, is for you, to put up with his instability, help him through his hard time, and stick around until he eventually comes through his issues. "Ride" with him? And if you don't "ride" with him; if you don't go through the discomfort he is bringing into your life, then you are somehow seen as the "bad guy". Because you didn't stay through his instability, or allow him to continuously drain you of your resources, mentally/spiritually/financially, then you are the disloyal, "gold digger". Lmao! I laugh at the "gold digger" one because I've actually seen situations, where a woman was termed that because she wanted a man who just had the minimum, and not the guy she had been putting up with for, not weeks, not months, but for a few years! And she just got tired. So the guy and some others called her disloyal, and a gold digger. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

I am honestly not sure if Black women are anymore expected to "go through" "struggle love" than any other women. As a Black woman, who's primary romantic/sexual partners are black men; you are sure to encounter the worse among black men, as opposed to your encountering better among other races of men, because you have less romantic/sexual interaction with other men. You will more than likely have less experience to draw from in dealing wit white men, if you haven't had as much romantic/sexual interaction with them. So when you ask "why is it that BLACK WOMEN, are expected to go through struggle love...", it seems as if you somehow think its only black women going through this type thing. Trust me its not. 

Black women should not have to be expected to "ride" with, "hold down", or "struggle love" any man. This should not be a requirement. When a black woman desires a man to become romantically/sexually involved with, she should expect that this man is equal to her financially, if not greater. The issues seems to have come down to women now only just wanting the basics from men and men not even living up to that. Black women more than any other women have compromised in the areas of money, sex, home life, marriage, and happiness, just to allow her black man to catch up to her. Black women have accepted black men having less money. Black women actually seem more than willing to hold black men down when he doesn't have the adequate finances in dating, and marriage. Black women have done this with black men have seem to at this point taken for granted that she has done so.  Black women have accepted black men not being faithful in relationships. They've looked the other the way after letting him know time and time again that she is unhappy with it. Only to be taken for granted over and over. Then black women further accepts black men in his being unfaithful, by compromising with him, and allowing other women in the relationship with them both. She is then made to unwittingly rationalize this compromise by men, and believes that it is in her best interest, which means its in the best interest of the relationship or them both. So now Poly relationships are on the rise among black women and couples. With out adequate finances, home and family life breaks down. Marriage breaks down. And all of this leads to an overall break down in the happiness of women. Black women feel like black men aren't doing near as much as they need to do to place a supreme value on black women. And most of what black men seem to do in day to day interaction seems to back that up. If it is "frowned" upon for black women to desire a black man who, "has it together", that is ludicrous. I think it is done so at times because of this belief that if you can't accept a man who is struggling, that you aren't the type woman who will be there for the bad times. The thought is that you are not the "for better or for worse" type. So when you seem like you just want a man who is fully assembled, then it is thought by some, that you can't handle a man if he lost it all. That you'd leave.

Black women are ultimately suffering from a lack of black male leadership. Black men are in a socially, and economically inferior position. This inferior position is not because the black man is black. This position is not because black men are somehow naturally, and genetically inferior. When black men lack in these areas, we must ask why. And we must look at all possible reasons. Not just the reasons that make us feel comfortable.

There are some factors that contribute to the belief that black men are less, and black women should leave black men for greener, or "whiter" pastures. There are books, websites, black women advocates, who are out here preaching that black women shouldn't wait for black men to treat them good. Black men are useless, and inferior to other men. And black women should abandon black men and any thought that black men are even capable of being what black women need.There is a history that impacts the culture of black life today, that has shapes our interactions with each other. We live in a time, when all history matters to people, even black people, accept the history that has given rise to many of the negative issues, and results among black people. Soon as the history of oppression that has lead to the condition of black men specifically is brought up, it is thought by many black people as some way to excuse his contemporary behavior. As if history now doesn't matter. It matters in every other way, except this. Black History month doesn't cover the affects of black oppression. Black history month only highlights how some blacks contributed to our history in America. But if you want to understand the black condition today, we have to understand the affects of black oppression. 

Black women are the fastest group of entrepreneurs in the United States. Businesses owned by Black women grew 322% since 1997, as of 2015, the last time this information was available.One of the states with the highest number of woman owned businesses is Georgia. The Atlanta area has the largest growth in black woman owned businesses in Georgia, and across the entire United States. Black male unemployment is greater than that of black females. There are more black women with jobs than black men. Black women are the most educated class in America. At every phase of the social, and economic existence of black people in America, black women beat black men. These statistics occur as a matter of historical, and structural imbalances meant to raise black women in these areas, and suppression black men. The result is a black man who is educationally, and economically deficient. Black women and men didn't just come to their position relative to each other in a vaccum. We are looking at the relationship between black women and men in 2020, or over our adult lives, as if there wasn't something that precipitated the experiences we are experiencing. 

The "culture" of Black people today, has in it some of the most poisonous practices, and beliefs, that many of us hold onto generation after generation. Each generation carries with it the old  beliefs, and practice of the former generations, and the lessons, good and bad, mostly bad lessons, learned from the past. And the "new" beliefs, and practices built from the old, and seems new. 
In the 1970s as black families were beginning to feel the hard affect of social separation, brought about due to reverse gentrification, where the whites fled to what became the Suburbs, and took jobs, and the white tax base with them; black men were left in the broken down cities, with no employment opportunities. The black economic base was further stripped away with integration. Black women were given housing, and job training in a new service economy, where she could take care of her family. Black women were given government housing, and educational opportunities, as long as she limited, and in some cases, ceased her involvement with black men. Black men who had no jobs, or educational opportunities, because the ones available, were designed for black women. So hopelessness, and despair set in. And black women because the providers in mostly single parent households. Feeding their girls independence, and their boys dependence. Black boys grow up with the mindset that they are to be served. Black girls grow up serving. Black girls grow up working in the home and outside the home. She is forced to be responsible. While black boys are cuddled, and made to believe in many ways, that to be a man, is to control women through sex, and manipulation. So having women becomes the goal. And acquiring "things", money, cars, houses, is a means to the end. And the end is having women. Not having responsibility. And many black "communities" foster this dynamic with an environment that confirms that this is what a man does. And with music, social media, movies and television, the actions, and blueprint is cemented in the minds of young boys to seek out this type of manhood. And unfortunately, it also cements in young girls that this is how she she respond. It works for a while, then girls turn into women, and they tire mightily from this dynamic. Black women have a greater chance to rise from it. In a society, where there can only be one leader, one provider, one protector, one producer. one man, the white power structure has carried out the plan to make sure the mind of black women stays in the belief that black men are deficient. And it has made sure to keep the black man from attaining manhood in a white society. We have to keep these things in mind in the overall picture. 

None of what I've written here excuses black men from insufficient, in adequate, deficient interaction, activity, or behavior as it concerns black women. Black men must do better!! Black men must do better by black women. All I ask, is that black women examine what is happening to black people, to better understand why we are having many of the issues black men and women are having in romantic/sexual relationships.